Sunday, July 16, 2006

All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases. It's all frightfully romantic.

Great. William-Sonoma sent me an email this morning, the title of which was, "15 Weeks Until Your Day!" I can only assume they're talking about my wedding. In any case, being hounded about a stressful deadline is always appreciated so early in the morning. Thanks, William-Sonoma. Even more annoying, I added some stuff to the registry and it makes other stuff I previously added disappear. And I don't really see an "additional pages" type button. Whatever, screw them.

The fiancee and I watched a flick last night, specially given to us for a good night of ripping it apart. My friend was the cinematographer on it and oh my holy jesus was it bad. I'm certainly not going to link to the site and end up getting anyone in trouble, but if anyone wants to see the trailer (OUCH), I'm sure it can be found on the site. The flick is called The Sensei, and the chick who wrote/directed/produced/starred in it (not unlike a Harold P. Warren flick I could mention) was at one time Buffy's stunt double. Her father, however, shows up quite a bit, like in Big Trouble In Little China, and he actually trained under Bruce Lee.

But back to our's about a woman (wait, let me change that: at the beginning, you think it's about this gay kid who keeps getting his ass whipped and just wants to learn karate-kung-fu-whatthefuckever. NO ONE will teach him or look at him or even sit next to him in church. We were starting to think he'd fisted the neighborhood kids in the public square. But no--he's gay!!! I don't think the film dated the story, but I'm assuming it's back before AIDS was really widely known? Hope I'm not giving anything away there, gosh!) Anyway, lo and behold, it is NOT his story, even after getting broomsticked in the boys' shower (the audience is at least spared this). It is--gasp!!--her story. She surrounds herself with very Asian-looking people (this woman is like, one quarter Asian, maybe), except for an ethnically vague brother, for whom we kept adding Agador Sparatcus-flavored dialogue. You're just afraid of my Guatemalan-ness! And then, like, we find out she has AIDS and she dies. She got it from her boxer husband, told by the doctor, "Uh, yeah, there's nothing I can give you and nothing I can do. Late, yo!" So again, we just sort of prayed this was supposed to be set in 1980 or something. Who knows. But who cares, cause jesus did it just drag the fuck on. And don't get me started on the dream--I can't use the word "sequences," as that would imply firstly that something happened during said sequence. Basically the lead chick and some hot dude--oh, look at that, her real-life husband!--standing around with "the wind blowing" (this chick really has a thing for the wind always blowing--her hair MUST be gently whipped about to in order for her to fully emote) and looking nearly out of focus, the lighting is so soft. The dream sequences bordered on douche ads.

Anyway, my friend certainly did do a decent job shooting the thing, and this was just some crappy DVD transfer rough cut thing. (Including a grossly melodramatic meltdown scene that continues FAR too long until you finally DO hear someone yell, "Cut!"). This bitch was 2 1/2 hours, it could easily be cut to 80 (first, take out any scene in which the lead lady is ogled and guys say things like, "Hey boys, looks like there's a fresh piece of meat in town!") Seriously, who writes themselves into a part in which someone else is going to refer to you as "so hot?"

And whoever edited this (or, I assume, whoever made someone edit it this way) cannot even tighten a single scene to save their own ass. It reminded me of the BBC Office when they just don't cut but leave the camera running for the full pain impact (a technique used brilliantly, unlike in the aforementioned turd).

D placed it at number 3 on his all-time shitlist. For those of you who don't know, my fiancee will rent anything horror with a cool coverbox. His friends, at one point, banned him from renting the weekend movies. This film is coming in behind Ax 'Em and Club Vampire. Apparently Scarecrow Slayer and Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter were even better than this, as they came in at numbers 4 and 5, respectively.

Whew. Went to bed after that, the movie wiped me the hell out.

My Carolina barbeque (tomato AND vinegar based, a blend of both North & South) is roasting in the oven for eight hours. It's sitting fat-side up, so the fat can drain down into the rest of the meat and make it yummier for pulling later. This also means I can't really go anywhere for eight hours, so I imagine I'll be blogging a bit more later.

I also have to finish reading my Anne Perry mystery. Anne Perry, if you don't know, is actually Juliet Hulme. She came forward to reveal her identity in 94 during the making of Heavenly Creatures. (I always thought it a tad tacky to have made that film while both women were still alive, but hey, still like the flick). I'm not a huge fan of her mysteries but I keep reading them. They sort of irritate me while I read them...and Juliet Hulme was Kate Winslet's role if you're too lazy to look it up!

The kitten wants to be fed and so do I.

1 comment:

Corinthian said...

The Sensei taught me that if you are gay you will never be accepted in society...unless you learn some kung fu and kick some ass. Only then you will have friends and be a productive member of society.

It also taught me that dramatic scenes only work when there is wind blowing through the girl's hair.