Sunday, December 03, 2006

Titspervert. Titspervert.

Wow, Blogger REALLY wants me to switch to Beta. They've cleverly moved the "Continue" arrow right under their rant, so "Continue" now means "Yes, please switch me to Beta because this damn site doesn't ALREADY have enough bugs, what else can you taunt me with?" instead of "Fuck off and let me just get to my blog." They almost had me this time.

D spent the weekend with our old roommate Rob, xmas shopping. Rob may have a new girl, she slept over twice in a row. He was trying to find a non-commital xmas gift for her (apparently if you bang someone in Decemeber they automatically get a gift), but was trying to find one that didn't seem too "relationshippy." D met her and really likes her, (which is a huge plus because his last relationship was with this totally ugly and useless cum dumpster we both loathed), and he thinks Rob might really be thinking about trying things out. He can tell because Rob doesn't fart in front of her. Rob can really, oh, how to put this...clear a room? Move the earth? Wait, that's a sex metaphor...peel the paint? Well, I googled "metaphors for farting" and found a blog that went on way too long about farting in a relationship, but had these two comments that struck me as uh, worth reposting here? (Or not):

1. Me and a couple of mates have really shows you feel comfortable with a lady when you let one rip and share a giggle. I had an ex who could pick my scent out from a crowd of blokes!

2. In my Country,when a woman farts,it is a sign of affection.The louder she farts,the more she likes you.The more pungent the aroma,the more passionate her love.I once saw a woman fart and take off like a balloon all over the dance floor.She won the dance competition and the heart of her betrothed,young Herman.

But anyway. The point is Rob has mean, mean farts. And he doesn't usually care where or with whom (yes, that includes me and D in his Jetta with the windows up). And it's worth mentioning that they aren't just loud; regardless of sound they are all really putrid. Yes, the whole zoo DID climb up inside his ass and die. Jesus, I have gone on WAY too long about farts!

So that was the weekend on the other side of DFW. Here in Arlington, my mother came out and we worked on (ok, she worked on) the blue pseudo-velvet curtains for the sunroom. They are coming along and looking very sexy. I can't wait to get them up on the southwest corner, where the neighbor's yard is far too clearly visible. Curtains and a big evergreen, on the way.

We mostly worked on putting up xmas lights outside the house. D and I had decided we wouldn't do it this year because we couldn't really afford to go buy a shitload of lights just for outside. We live on a 1-block cul-de-sac and the people on the street part have really gone over-the-top. Any of you here for the wedding know which houses--they were the ones with the serious Halloween displays. D and I loved their Halloween get-up, but you should see the fucking Christmas displays. They are as gaudy and tacky and ugly as one could ever expect. The most obnoxious house has both a longhorn (a real goddamn lit-up 3D longhorn--I don't think I've even seen those for sale) and a big Texas sign all lit up sayin' "God Bless Texas!" I shudder a little each time I drive by. Right on the corner is the Gay Parade house, everything very lit up in rainbow-colored lights. I doubt Gay Pride was their chosen theme, but I like to think so.

Anyhoo, the cul-de-sac part was all dark, plus I remembered we had a Target gift card left over from the wedding. I asked him D if I could spend it this weekend without telling him what it was for, but assuming he'd like it. He agreed and voila! They are chandelier-y type white lights, I'll take pics later. Simple and classy. I think they are a little large but D has yet to notice them. After he came home we made several trips from the street to the house to unload his car and he still didn't notice. But that makes me happy because I'd rather surprise him when they're all lit up and xmassy.

Ah, yes, back to the "He's Cheating!" customer. Basically at the end of the day I found myself scanning a photo for this woman, which she'd given to the personnel manager. He also does shipping and receiving (actually that's what he mostly does), but we'll refer to him as PM. And pertinent background info on PM is that he's incredibly socially awkward outside of work--even with co-workers outside of work. He wants to be a Catholic priest (but only sort kinda, if he could meet a nice girl and settle down he wouldn't, but the odds of that are quite slim. He has the patience of a gnat and his brain really shuts down with any sort of stress. But he's actually a nice guy for the most part and his quirks rarely show's just that when they do, you readily remember how socially inept he really is).

Anyhoo. So he takes this pic from her and she asks if we can zoom in to the reflection in the car window (interior front passenger), blow it up and darken it. Her verbal cues indicate that she thinks she's being cheated on. PM brings it to me and I do it. PM, Cinema Mark and I all sit there darkening it and staring intently. First of all, this is her husband in the passenger seat and the next picture shows a guy in the driver's seat. PM wonders if someone in the middle or backseat could have taken it. After staring for a while, our definitive analysis includes:

1. The camera is too far back, it was definitely taken by the driver, even for a wide angle.
2. The reflection shows the guy's lap; his jeans and legs are easily defined.
3. His hand is in a cast?

So we didn't get much beyond the legs, but whatever. There's no one else in the car, and regardless of the cast or position of his hand/arm, it's the dude's lap, whatever. PM takes the photo to the woman.

Here we have socially awkward PM, who is then asked by this woman, "Well of course those are his legs but look, see that line there? Doesn't that look like a penis?" Poor PM. And neither Cinema Mark nor I saw the photo again after this new revelation (d'oh, what a moron!), but I was just dying to know if infact it did look like a penis. PM squirmed awkwardly and said something along the lines of, "Ma'am, I really don't know."

So I guess this woman's husband is cheating on her with his guy friend? And really, by the time you find yourself enlarging reflections, isn't it already probably time to have a talk?

Ok, time for wine.


Mob said...

That story was awesome.

I'm surprised she didn't ask him if he'd ever seen a penis, after he said he didn't know if it looked like one.

Ellen Aim said...

Hee hee, glad you liked it. It sure tickled me at the time...

And I have to say, the same thought occurred to me as well. As a man, you might not want to act as though you can't IMAGINE what that would look like...