Thursday, January 25, 2007

Martha says that nothing else matters if you can do a nice dried floral arrangement. I worship her.

I googled my ass off trying to find this sign, but to no avail. I was driving to work this morning, contemplating the gayness of Morrissey's lyrics (I'll get back to that), when I passed some construction and the biggest orange work sign that read, "Please Don't Kill Us." It startled the hell out of me--I wasn't sure if it was okay to laugh. I've seen the ones on the way to Austin that have stick children on them that read, "Our Daddies Work Here," or "Please Don't Kill My Daddy." But somehow the first one was more shocking. Me without my camera. Not that stopping on the highway is really an option, I suppose.

Anyhoo, back to gay music. My dad sent me this hysterical link (along with the text: Some of you have a lot of throwing out to do!). Though in retrospect, I have a question. Two, actually. First of all, is their problem (in this case) that the music itself advocates being gay? Or that the band is gay? Or that gay people ("studies show?") listen to these bands? Cause really, I do recall learning in my teenage years that when I met hot guys who also liked Depeche Mode that they probably thought Alan Wilder was as hot as I did. But what about Depeche Mode is actually gay? No, seriously! All the lyrics are the standard 15-year-old-angsty-hetero-boy lyrics (with a bitchin' beat, sure).

I think maybe they think that if you just listen to this stuff it will just, like, make you gay. Cole Porter makes you gay. Listening to Bjork makes you gay. (I'll have to save this list since I always secretly wanted a gay son, but that's a blog for another day).

And then there's the "?questionable?" Morrissey. Ok, where to begin. First of all, if my son is listening to Morrissey incessantly, I'm not going to be worried he might be gay, I'm going to be worried he might be suicidal. And I'm a huge Smiths fan, not as much solo Morrissey (though his latest album was forced on me by my friend J and it really is a great album), but are they seriously worried merely about the homosexual content? Not any other content, like, oh, I don't know, this song:

(from the latest album, Ringleader of the Tormentors)
The Father Who Must Be Killed

Stepchild, you have outlived your time
You represent embarrassment and failure
And the father who must be killed
Is the blight upon your blighted life
And his might is his legal right
To ground you down

Stepchild, with every petty swipe
You just might find you're fighting for your life
And the father who must be killed
Is a step farther but nonetheless
The way he chews his food
Rips right through your senses

Stepchild, there's a knife in a drawer in a room downstairs
And you, you know what you must do
So the stepchild ran with a knife to his sleeping frame
And slams it in his arms, his legs, his face, his neck and says
"There's a law against me now"
And the father who must be killed
With his dying breath, he grabs her hand
And he looks into her eyes
He says "I'm sorry" and he dies

"Stepchild, I release you
With this broken voice I beseech you"

"Why are lives so short?"
The stepchild thought heart pointing to the sky
"No warm to warm me
No hand to touch me
And no Bible-Belters to mess with me
Momma don't miss me
Momma don't miss me
This death will complete me"
"But where I go there will be no one to meet me
I know there will be no one to meet me"
But still the step-child press the knife to her throat
Heart pointing to the sky
"Just as mother-less birds fly high
Then so shall I
So shall I
So shall I
So shall I

Hey, that's fine, no problem. As long as it's not GAY. (It's a great song, by the way, it weirdly borders on pop).

Wait a minute. The fuck is Nickelback doing on the list? I'd beat my son for having bad taste first. And I'd know he wasn't gay cause he had the shitty taste to listen to it in the first place.


Triana said...

That list made me laugh!

alex said...

Such a strange list. Seems so arbitrary, and not just a little mysterious. XD

"But what about Depeche Mode is actually gay? No, seriously!"

Yeah, guess this one is a fanbase vibe. (Though there is that thing where Martin Gore used to sing in a black leather miniskirt. Maybe it worried them that he had Tendencies to Cross Over.)

(Oh wait! I think I read somewhere once that among the many theories as to what "Never Let Me Down Again" is actually about, there is a faction who is convinced it is about gay sex. So there ya go. Donnie's concerned.)

And I know I'm pissing in the wind to even mention this, but Nickelback is not that bad. Sure, they're massively overexposed, and a lot of their music has a similar sound. But they have a handful of songs I admit to owning. :P (...And one of their hit singles, "Animals," is about underage heterosexual sex in a fast car, so I'm not sure how they triggered Donboy's fear response.)

Ellen Aim said...

I do love the list. I love the utter lack of alphabetical order. Is Elton John on there twice?

And Alex...Nickelback. I think one time I heard a song that was less awful than their others. I think it was Animals. And I admit full that 70% of my animosity towards them is the fault of Dallas radio. Make that 60%...his voice usually makes me want to punch something.

I could see blaming DM for encourage S&M, but that's about it. And NLMDA is SO a drug song, but hey, I guess gay sex would fit, too, why not. I guess "wearing the trousers" could be seen as "knowing who's the top."

Corinthian said...

Jay Z and Ghostface Killa will make you a Gayngsta if you listen to their rhymes, yo. I also noticed EminMEN is on the list.

If Motorhead makes you gay, then I don't want to be straight.