Thursday, June 15, 2006

Thoughts on Stupid Fuckers Who Make the Day Longer

You have to understand before I begin this tirade on this one individual just how long I've put up with the stupidity of it all. I probably will come off as a mean old bitch, but I seriously think the 18-year-old kid (who REALLY seems 16, if not 12) who works the afternoons here might just be the dumbest motherfucker on the planet.

For amusement or perhaps for the purposes of self-inflicted pain, we regularly look at his myspace account (in the mornings) just to stare in bewilderment at his friends' comments, shake our heads and cry. No, really. Two prime common and typical examples:

wuts up nigga
just keepin it real homie roll and free toll know wat im sayN

and the vastly different:

I'm talkin so much poop ita hurt cha eyeees....
HAHAHA yea man its fun talkin bout all that shit every once in a while. KEEPIN IT STRAAAAAAAIGHT...peacey

I fully admit that I am especially anal when it comes to language use and grammar, but let's pretend just for a moment here that any of these monosyllabic slugs would know the difference between "your" and "you're" if someone threatened to put a fist up their ass. Even if it's all just a facade and it's all good and hip, jesus, it's still utterly depressing.

And I'm VERY sure I hardly need to point out that these are the whitest dorkiest fuckwits on the planet. They could not even begin to feign cool, they look like they play video games all day long with a tepid Mountain Dew perpetually in one hand. But alas, no, they also clearly consume large quantites of alcohol. Christ, what words could possibly serve me to describe that scene. Drunk. Morons. People who are ALREADY morons. And then they drink. Tons. If only they could just off each other in the process, it would bring me sheer joy. Or perhaps just a case of mass alcohol poisoning amongst the group? Surely we'd all be better off.

Also, something else that truly has us baffled with this kid is the fact that he has had at least one (cute!) longterm girlfriend, not to mention a couple others after. Ok, seriously? Are the pickins at RL Turner High just that goddamn slim? Dorks can certainly be endearing, don't misunderstand me, but outright stupidity? And it's not like he's got the face to pull this kinda shit off, either. Since some of us realize the importance of what a personality can do for one's looks, you'd think this would be one charismatic bitch. And yet...I have to say I'd rather attempt meaningful conversation with a pair of ostrich balls than this numbnuts.

I realize these kids are young, and mostly guys to boot. And juvenile behavior is one thing; the use of ignorant slang is also something I can let slide. Go for it. But when you work here for nine months and you still don't know whether or not we can run true black and white, my friend, are a goddamn fuckwit. I feel no shame or pity, just unabashed hatred of your presence.

I might have to start taking Xanax because the physical pain my brain has to endure at comprehending the daily shenanigans and situations is acutely sharp. I just cannot. It. Hurts. I cannot even stop ranting, however much I may be repeating myself.

I should also interrupt to clarify that the lab here is incredibly lax (in case you're wondering how he has not been fired). He is a warm body who can answer the phone (though lately he's been borderline-lying to customers, so even that has been called into doubt) and no one likes to fire people, I guess. He doesn't know jack, he sits on his ass and surfs the net, chats on fails me how he can be so clueless as to what is and is not appropriate at the workplace. He's been reprimanded and even written up (fairly drastic measures around here), but almost immediately failed to comply.

*Drops head into hands, sighs deeply.*

This is why I really question whether or not I want kids. It's a total crapshoot. You could have a great kid who meets the wrong people...or maybe you just have a fuckup for a child anyway, sorry 'bout that.

If this worthless flesh-colored stain was my offspring, I'd off the bitch myself, get down on both knees and beg the world's forgiveness.

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