First of all, thanks oh so much to the goddamn fuckwit fartknocking donkey rapers who run the mailing list who were supposed to let me know when he was coming to town so I didn't end up getting fisted at the drive-thru. Now I have the dilemma of paying ticketmaster an extra SIXTEEN DOLLARS to fuck me in the ass sans lube for "processing" my money, or paying a small bit more for a far better seat from some sleazefuck Dallas scalper. I totally prefer the latter, but after perusing online, apparently those of us who'd just like to go by our lonesome to see Mr. Paul Simon can just go cry all the way home. You are not allowed to see concerts by yourself--all the tickets are sold in 2s. I don't care if you have no friends and no one wants to date you, you must still buy the seat next to you.
I fucking hate this concert bullshit so goddamn much it really is almost enough to keep me home. Not to mention that the cash whores at Nokia Stain Theatre charge $12 for parking and the 12 oz beers of Miller Goddamn Light, for fucks sake, are $6 a pop. A real steal for Dallas. Then hopefully you wouldn't be forced to assault the morons in front of you in a tedious line of cars that aren't moving as you wait to ooze your way back onto I-30. I could buy a male stripper, ride him on a Shetland Pony in the middle of my own bukkake party and still pay less. And not only would my ass hurt far less, I'm sure the whole process would take years off my face.
You know what, I'm fucking staying home. I've seen him from the fourth row, I'm sure he and his billion dollars understand if I'm not there this time.