A world of no.

On the one hand, I feel old trying to work the new version of Microsoft Word that came on my laptop. It has to be THE most un-user friendly version ever; it is actively working to hinder my abilities. Everything is straightforward except how to, oh I don’t know, OPEN A NEW DOCUMENT OR EVEN SAVE ONE. Jesus.

On my way hipper side, I’m watching the RNC in HD. Oooooooooooh. I mean, they aren’t broadcasting in HD, but that just means the ratio is 1:33 on my HDTV and the image is BITCHIN. If only I could say the same for the content. They have a big clock on the screen counting down to Palin’s speech. In all fairness, who really cares what the fuck Mitt Romney has to say? Huckabee will, at least, be vaguely personable.

I take it back. I was just talking over him (Romney) to ask my husband what other aspect of Definitely, Maybe merited discussion in a critique. While discussing the actresses, he asked me, “Did you notice that the brand of cigarettes Ryan Reynolds smoked in the movie was the same brand they use in The X-Files?” to which I found myself replying, “Wait, honey, I can’t hear Mitt Romney.” Luckily, he also knows I’m just giving him shit.

God this shit is hard to listen to. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUUUUUUUURTING. This is why I’m trying to do film critiques at the same time. But then I hear some shit and it totally makes me yell at the TV. I usually reserve my TV-yelling for the Oscars and the actual presidential debates. Omfg. Well, and maybe there’s some tense squealing during Olympic gymnastics…

They’re all chanting, “USA! USA! USA!” but all I hear is “One of us! One of us! One of us!” from Freaks.

Oh my GOD, did you know Obama brought back “EUROPEAN IDEAS?” from his trip and he’s going to make the government take away our liberties? Thank god Huckabee is here to warn us. OMFG he’s giving Obama the silver spoon shit…you have got to be fucking kidding me. HAVE YOU LOOKED AT YOUR PARTY’S GODDAMN CANDIDATE, ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!?!!? Oh man, now he’s ranting about being pro-life, the real meaning of “marriage”…fuck this, I’m off to the kitchen to fix dinner. I can’t take this.

Fuck. And that goddamn desk story? I wish I hadn’t heard that. He’s fun to watch, so I felt compelled to hear how it turned out, and it’s like when you sense you should dread the end of the story…like someone’s about to tell you about the righteous path of Jesus or about how “the gays” are the reason we have AIDS…you just smell it coming…and sure enough, I had to fight the chunks back down.

So Veloute sent me a Sarah Palin pic this morning and warned it may be NSFW. I think it has been on the news and made it around the blogosphere by now...along with the chanting defense of, "Photoshop!" and you know what? Even if it is, the fact that this pic is totally plausible is scary enough right there. It comes from www.kunstler.com, who writes,

Meet America's first trailer-trash vice-presidential candidate:
Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska ("the state closest to Russia!" )--

soon-to-be grandmother of out-of-wedlock child carried by 17-year-old daughter, Bristol. Shown here relaxing, Alaska-style.


This would be funny if it didn't scare and depress me all at once.

For the real laughs, if anyone missed it from the comments section yesterday, Alex sent me a gem from Wonkette, the Republican M4M ads from Minneapolis/St Paul...the pièce de résistance being:

I’m looking for a Republican delegate to take for a ride like Bush & Co. have been doing to our country since they took office.

Here’s the scene: I come to your hotel room, you’re wearing nothing but your convention credentials. You blow me while I berate you for ruining our economy. Then I flip you over and slam your ass like Hurricane Gustav is gonna do to your news coverage. Then I pull out and cum on your face and you learn the real meaning of Trickle Down Theory.

ME: 6′4″, 220, Blonde & Blue, hairy, with a 9″ uncut viking cock

YOU: Pig Bottom Republican

There were LOTS of mentions of "pig bottom Republicans," to which one commenter finally said, "I don't even want to know what a 'pig bottom' Republican is." Nor do I.

Honestly, all that nightmare material (mostly the Palin pic and the various speeches) and I go and have a totally different sort of nightmare. There was this giant pregnancy test, and while I don't recall peeing on it, I do recall it coming up with two big fat lines on it that meant pregnant. It was huge.

I think it had to do with the fact that while at work yesterday, someone had Oprah on the TV in the break room (don't get me started) and there was this woman on who'd had sextuplets and twins and they had all the kids climbing all over the place. I held up my hand and said, "Holy jesus, I think I just went sterile!"

It was a terrible nightmare. I had to wake up and down a beer.