I'm a stalker in a Taurus.

So I was poking around tonight trying to find out how early to arrive for the Daily Show taping (I realize it's a little ways off, ok, can I help you?), if cameras were allowed, you know, all that jazz. And I found two things that cracked me up. The first of which was:

What time should I get in line/arrive?

The Daily Show lets the audience in around 4:30, and it's recommended to get in line around 3:00-3:15. The Colbert Report lets the audience in at 6:00 p.m., but many people get in line starting at 4:00 p.m. or even earlier.

Seating at The Colbert Report is more dependent on your place in the general-admission line. Also, Stephen Colbert's fans tend to be batshit insane and get there really early.

The second is this site right here. I'm not even sure how I found this site but jesus. I could only get through a few...at first it was funny and then it was just too creepy to be funny anymore. I seriously, seriously need a bath. I mean, I like Jon Stewart as much as the next person but I don't know his goddamn pets' names nor would I stand up before the show and personally sing him "Happy Birthday" out of goddamn nowhere. People like this are the reason I would never approach a celebrity. Ever. (Not that I would ever have anything to say, wtf?)

And waiting at the stage door after a PLAY like you're SUPPOSED TO doesn't count. So there.

Anyway, since we seem to be out of witnesses, I thought I'd drink a little.

Goddammit. I spent all morning with the first disc of season six of The West Wing. Beforehand it was stormy, but hey, it was looking a little sunny outside by the time CJ was getting the swing of the whole Chief of Staff thing. And so I thought hey, I'll head up to Denton, grab lunch for myself and my dad and as I'm locking up, I notice weeeeeelll, it looks vaguely ominous outside. By the time I checked with my dad who always seems to know exactly what the weather is doing both near my house and theirs, I can already hear the thunder. As long as the power doesn't go out...there's barely enough light to read by right now, even in the sunroom, regardless of it being two in the afternoon. (On Potter #5, you know, the big book of FILLER AND CRAP WE ALREADY KNEW, THANKS).

At least this rain is great for all the things in my yard. I'd say half the trees are really taking off. The magnolia is one I'd really like to see take off and it seems undecided. It hasn't DIED, but it just sits there with the same two damn leaves and does nothing but look like it's thinking about dying.

Also planted some ivy groundcover, more foxglove and some lillies in the front yard. One plant from the previous owners has survived and sprouted an enormous alien-like flower. At first it was a giant pod, then it opened into several little purple buds. It smells exactly like onions. Is it weird that I really like the smell of onions? Especially when cooking...possibly the best kitchen smell ever. (Well, except for brownie-cake-cookie type things).



And with all the windows open, I can hear the neighbor's giant parrot. I live in a cul-de-sac and they live nearly across the street. The very morning I was planting the above-mentioned ivy, I could hear the weirdest screeches from their house. Luckily, D had actually seen (and met) the parrot several months prior, because it sounded a lot like someone beating a small child. But when the weather's nice and they're tinkering in the garage they set him on a lawn chair in the driveway. His tail is nearly two feet long, his belly is the color of papaya juice and his back and tail are electric blue. He's hella cool. Both my cats like watching him nearly as much as I do (though I suspect our reasons may vary).



D closes tonight which is frustrating since I want to know what happens! We're three away from the end and Lynette's story line is both intriguing and irritating. I'm not sure I buy it--it's almost like Marcia Cross was ordered on bedrest and the writers went, "Shit! We need DRAMA and we need to crank it out in TWO episodes." I buy it while I'm watching it, but take one step back and I just don't think it's something her character would do, especially this fast. (Again, a cup of "forced," anyone?) But whatever.

As for the other big storyline, we all know nobody in their right mind would pick Ian over Mike. Even if he does have an accent, Ian's kind of a little bitch. Not that I care about Susan's storyline, ugh. We all know Mike has screaming nightmares where he wakes up drenched in sweat, unable to forget the fact he actually dated a troll.

And having these off the TiVo means it can tape that nice big season 2 Dr. Who marathon tomorrow, thanks TiVo!

The storm seems much closer. Might be wise to shutdown the computer...

Oh right. He's the good drug dealer.

As in, oh right, the classy neighbor.

So for my Memorial Day I thought I'd blow through a couple Netfux. Finished off The Rapture which I got off someone's list of good 90s horror flicks, as I was looking for such. Not suspense/thriller but legit horror. Well I think someone was having their little joke. Not that it wasn't scary, but more in a Jesus Camp vein than anything else. And I'm really not sure how to take the last fifteen minutes. But nothing like a fully mulleted David Duchovny! Otherwise it was very late-night USA.



Anyhoo, then I popped in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. (Which is from 1986, yes, I know). Don't know how I wasn't familiar with this rather incredibly infamous NC-17 horror flick. Holy shit. So there I am already watching this most gruesome of films on what for many is probably a fairly somber day, but then I see the cat sneak off behind the TV where the power strip is. Just as he steps on the switch, shutting off all the power, I sit up and yell something along the lines of, you know, "OY! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!" while clapping my hands at him.

And it's very quiet now. And I while I'm quite clear on the fact that the door to the sunroom and all the windows in the sunroom are wide open, I'm apparently unaware that the neighbors behind and catty corner to us seem to be having oh, some sort of barbeque shindig.

There is really just no way they didn't hear that. At least it didn't sound like I was screaming at my child. Although let's hope this class shows itself in any future parenting as well.

Not really deterred, I brazenly polished off the last five minutes of my serial killer movie. I'm sure they were wanting to know how it ended, too.

Well, he's always been lacking in moral fiber.

Andrew, (you scheming little shit), I never thought I'd see the day. Maybe all is forgiven...you're still under suspicion...

And holy shit, I had no idea Sheryl Lee was Mary Alice Young in the original (unaired) pilot...ummm...not sure I could have bought that, as much as I like Lee...



And WTF?? Since when is Laura Palmer 40? When in the hell did that happen...

I don't make things difficult. That's the way they get, all by themselves.

buffaloes vs lions vs crocodiles

This is a little long but so worth it. Best drama I've seen all week. Thanks to Alex for it...and as she said, NOT safe for children but hey, it has a happy ending...

What do you mean I'm not brave in bed?

Best interaction with another person this week, or Why I Love People: I was at the self-check-out at the grocery store buying wine and it of course prompted me to show my ID to the clerk. I turned around to do so and she said, "Oh, you look really young from the side." I mean, seriously, there is just not a nice way to take that, what the fuck?

Tonight's quote is actually from the fifth Harry Potter book which I've been re-reading at work. Jesus I can't believe I didn't snort out loud. His cousin is making fun of him for "moaning" at night (reliving Cedric's death, all that) and I don't recall this line jumping out the way it did today. Not to mention a few paragraphs later his aunt asking the cousin if he had "his thing out." It was hysterical. She meant his wand and at this point even that sounds bad. I don't think my mind is that juvenile, really, these were just too glaring.

I really like Gene, the [newish but not really] boyfriend of Emily's. How I know this, since I spent the better part of the evening blathering away, I'm not quite sure. I think it was the part when I made him pick out a DVD to go with dinner and he chose The Last Days of Disco, not having seen it. When Emily inquired after Whit Stillman, he mentioned Metropolitan. Big, big points. And earlier he made a Sex and the City reference. Gene is ok by me.

D also gave me my big birthday present last night, which is gorgeous. It's a framed, matted and backed portrait of the photos of me with Julianne Moore, Bill Nighy and the Playbill they both signed in the middle. It is SO FUCKING COOL. It's kinda too bad I'm in it, but it's cool, too. I'll take a photo and post it here at some point, it's very sexy. Now I just need somewhere to put it that says LOOK AT ME. For the two times of year when we have company...

If he's so weird, why is he wearing Nikes?

A vaguely uninspired day...it went by fairly rapidly considering I spent the better part of it at work. Scary looking storms, very little bite.

Emily and her boyfriend Gene arrive tomorrow, hoping the airport craziness dies down after today's storms. I'm curious to meet Gene...

So I thought I'd entertain you with slang today. I visited Urban Dictionary and clicked on "random word" ten times and voila! Enjoy. (And yes, copied word for word, so those are not my grammatical or spelling errors, but they really add to the charm, don't they?)

1. sex

A painful activity in which a man, using the stiffest and pointiest part of his pelvic region, repeatedly stabs a female in her crotch until he feels satisfied. Can also take place between two men, in which one male stabs the other in the bum. Lesbian "sex" may be fun and all, but it aint real sex unless there is some sort of stabbling going on, perhaps with a cleverly shaped hand or steel dildo.

Time to have sex, Sally Struthers!

2. dingleberry

A delinquent partial turd which grasps anal shrubbery causing brownish crust to accumulate in ones boxers.

My wife tells me that I need to wipe my ass better because my dingleberries are making my underware a nasty mess, however I like the idea of her down in the basement doing laundry and cleaning up my foul nasty underware.

n. - a Klingon near Uranus

Spock needed to tear off a piece of toilet paper for his next mission - elimination of the dingleberry orbiting the black hole.




3. crustini

Dried semen left on the face of a female after a night of hard drinking.

Hey Jerry, did you see Becky this morning? She had huge patch of crustini on her face, I wonder if it was Steve's.

4. moffed

Extremely aggrivated, angry, annoyed, and/or dissapointed in any given situation.
It's miffed to the 100th power.
(Often used in conjunction with variations of the word 'fuck')

"That guy just cut me off, and I'm so fucking moffed up right now!"

5. ass ninja

One who engages in anal sex so quickly and stealthily that the other person is unaware that it has occured.

Bobby was in and out in 9 seconds. He is a true ass ninja.

6. munt

A combination of two words, "Mad" and "Cunt". Used to imply support or appreciation for an individuals action. Most commonly used among young Australian males “Munt” is most effective and prominent in speech during and after large consumptions of alcohol.

Did Jessie smash that chick on the weekend?
Sure did!
Oh what a munt!

7. pain

What happens when you reach into the blender to dislodge a stuck icecube without unplugging it first.



Life has pain.

8. roasting

Sexual act of two men and one girl. One guy in her mouth, one in vagina. Looks as though the girl is on a spit roast.

Lindsay was well up for Carlton and Titus to give her a serious roasting.

9. fupdate

A word we use all the time where I work. It's when a software company releases an update to the program that introduces more bugs than it fixed. It is, of course, a contraction of "fucked up" and "update".

Chris: You get that buggy software doing what you want yet?
Madmann: No, they sent me a fupdate. I'm about a week behind where I was yesterday....

10. nipposexual

A person that is mainly attacted to Japanese people.
This is often associated with the japonophile.

Momus is a nipposexual.

God, you richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.

Let's all please take a moment to cringe and go "Ooooh, does that suck!" just for me. This monstrosity is not only being built within my city (apparently its actual name is The Cowboys New Stadium, as best I can tell), and is about twenty minutes from my house, but no. It gets a billion times worse. My city won the bid for the 2011 Super Bowl.

I live in Arlington.

D and I decided we'll just have to figure out where to vacation Jan-Feb 2011, it's fine.

And this fucking thing seats 95,000. That almost the same size as my hometown of Denton. Infact, while I'm looking, Arlington's own population is under 400,000! Although at $900 a ticket (yes, seriously), I think these people will be cramming up the Dallas hotels rather than Arlington's...

I guess it's not as bad as the Texas Motor Speedway being where it is; after all, it's one Super Bowl. TMS brings in oodles of white trash biannually.

Jesus. North Texas just keeps getting better and better...

Heroin. Peppermint-flavored heroin.

Man, the weirdest thing just happened. I went out to run errands and threw on Vel's old B-52s Cosmic Thing concert shirt from 1990. (Don't worry, I saw them for myself a mere 14 years later). I was in the grocery store just picking up some dinner and Love Shack came on. Now, neither the odds of being in the grocery store nor of hearing Love Shack are really all that low. I mean seriously, if you made up a list of the top five most-played-out songs of all time, Love Shack would be on there. I'm not saying I don't like it but I could quite possibly go my whole life without ever hearing it again and not miss it.

And yet somehow, standing there in the grocery store, I still felt like one of those geeks who wears the band's own shirt to the concert. Or maybe it was because I was in a very unsocial (but good) mood and the fear that someone would make a joke to me rose ferociously. Then again, the Kroger in South Arlington doesn't strike me as the B-52s demographic. It's not that I was the only white person in there, but I was the only white person under 30. Oh my god, I just realized I need to milk the shit out of the phrase while I still can.

And you know what sucks balls? I was looking at the band's website just now and they are totally playing Dallas exactly on my birthday. How cool is that? Well actually, it's not cool at all because it's at the new House of Blues (didn't even know they built one here, obviously I'm a hip, hip lady) and the tickets are $67.50. I could not make this up. AND it's Ticketmaster, so tack on another $13 each or so. I have a feeling you're paying for the venue rather than the band but who the fuck are they kidding?? If I'm not shelling out for Erasure, I'm sure as shit not shelling out nearly $100 for The B-52s, sorry guys.

I give head before I give favors, and I don't even give my best friends head, so your chances of getting a favor are pretty fucking slim.

Ok, here's my restaurant thing Mob tagged me for. This was kind of a struggle, I mean, it's Dallas, I know, but the really good ones are few and far between. I think Dallas secretly has very ordinary restaurants but since it has NOTHING ELSE GOING FOR IT, that got deemed "its thing." Well, that and Saks, you know, the shopping. And I would be a Nordstrom-shoe-wearing slut if my finances allowed, I assure. Here we go...

1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you.

Include the city/state and country you’re in.

You know, I'd fuckin' love to but this pissed me off. It would not copy the links to save my goddamn life. I tried right-clicking on a couple different blogs and what the fuck, am I nine? I have a degree for fuck's sake and short of some really tedious work copying each and every one with "save link location," it was just beyond me. So you'll just have to content yourself with these not-too-special eateries in DFW.

2. List out your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.

3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.

The Melting Pot



A little pricey but very fun, a great treat. It's a fondue restaurant, beginning with a cheese course followed by some sort of obligatory "salad" thing. The main course we always go for is the seafood one (there are set menus to choose from but the seafood one seems the best) and then a large variety of dessert fondues. The dessert is honestly not why I go but it's a superb ending. One of the few times I've ever stuffed myself beyond capacity was the first time D and I ate here. We were going to go out after and have drinks. Instead we went home and rolled ourselves inside and hit the sofa; I was asleep in five minutes.

Dakota's



Much thanks to Mob & K for this one. Their steaks make me salivate, not to mention great atmosphere and it's all hidden underground, making it very cool to even know about. Truffle butter sauce, that's all I'm going to say. That and it's been too damn long...

Gloria's--Cinema Mark and I used to go here occasionally during work. The best thing they ever had were steak nachos that later disappeared from the menu. The rest of the menu is just as worthy, even if I miss the original fave. This is my favorite Tex-Mex place in DFW. All the food here is best paired with their killer margaritas. I could spend the afternoon outside nibbling and drinking and be totally content. Shit, today is a good day for margaritas! (Coming soon to Arlington, June 2007!)

Campo Verde--Best Tex-Mex place in Arlington, gets way more points for cheap alcohol and atmosphere (filthy with weird kitsch and Christmas lights and a huge electric train running around the restaurant). Food is decent...their shredded chicken nachos are a staple when I want something tasty and greasy. I can eat, like, three or four--that's how big the bastards are. A good comfy place.

God...what else...fuck it, The Flying Saucer. I can't help it, they put crack in their big soft pretzels and sometimes there is nothing finer than a huge soft pretzel with queso and a nice cold beer. I'm playin' fast and loose with the "restaurant" definition, sue me.

So you notice drinking plays a major theme in my eateries, do you? Honestly, if I lived in Austin, Tokyo or New York it wouldn't be that way. Despite its reputation for restaurants, I just don't know of too many in DFW that really float my boat. They're all decent. The first two are by far the ones I seek out for food. BBQ is essential for me and I have two in Austin that make me freely salivate and for whom I am a diehard devotee. DFW is just...meh. Kinda chain/corporate-heavy. We are On the Border heaven. Or Chili's. You get the point.

After re-reading that, I realize it's basically the Addison restaurant meme. And considering Addison is Yuppie Central, I really don't care to stop and think what that says about me...



I have no idea who to tag, anyone who reads this and feels like it. Hell, anyone who has even two restaurants in their area that actually make you want to mention them.

And guess what, it's double whammy meme day! Mob and Al partook, so why not...

Finish each sentence...

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss... was from my husband on his way out the door to work. The aftershave I originally didn't like (it's hard to follow after Safari) is actually not so bad at all. Infact it's quite yummy.

2. I am listening to... the weird jingle of my two cats' bells as they tussle in the living room. And the occasional miaow.

3. I talk... quite a bit. Exponentially more so--and louder--with each additional drink.

4. I want... to go buy a shitload of plants and finish the yard. Ah, money.

5. My best friend(s)... should all live much closer to me.

7.The weather is... continually pissing down rain and feeding my new trees which tickles the shit out of me.

8. I hate it when people... hmm, let's just change this to "I hate people." Ah, done.

9. Love is... something I take for granted all the time. Working on it...

10. Marriage is... a formality. I don't feel a damn bit different than before we were married. I find being tied to a mortgage together far scarier, if you ask me.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking... MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?

12. I'll always... want to travel, though I'll struggle to choose between places I've been repeatedly and new places.

13. I have a secret crush on... shit, hmm. Bree on Desperate Housewives?

14. The last time I cried was... god, really? Can I have some dignity? Ok, I teared up at that West Wing episode I mentioned a while back. Not CRY, TEARED UP. AND I was drinking. So there.

15. My cell phone is... a piece of shit and we eye each other with equal mistrust.

16. When I wake up in the morning... I have to try to get out from under the cat. The black one, not the fat one. The fat one doesn't sleep with me.

17. Before I go to bed... I make sure there is no water in my glass I leave on the sink or else the fat cat will get up there during the night and stick his face in it and possibly knock it over.

18. Right now I am thinking about... what to do today. I want to play in the yard but I'm poor. And it's a little muddy. I'd like a big fat soft pretzel (see above) but that's kinda far away. I could Netflix-up the day, but then I would officially feel like a giant slug.

19. Babies are... something we'll try to decide on before 2010. Right now I'm 80/20 on the issue, and considering my hobbies, I think you know which side is which.

20. I go on MySpace... never. Closed my acct ages ago and after that Cinema Mark and I may have accidentally on-purpose deleted the photo lab's useless fucktard high schooler's account after he'd left. I mean, we deleted his entire 350+ friend list and the dumbshit still didn't change his password. So right before we closed the store doors forever, well, there may have been an account deletion...but I wouldn't know anything about it.

21. Today I... took my mommy to the airport.

22. Tonight I... will try to wait for D to have dinner. It's hard to make it to 11pm sometimes.

23. Tomorrow I... need to get my car worked on, but I won't.

24. I really want to... pay off my bills. And go back to the Bear Hotel in Crickhowell, Wales, with D, preferably in winter.



25. Someone who will most likely repost this? Whoever is the most bored, or like me is looking for an easy post. (Stolen right off Mob's page; amen, my friend.)

All of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for 'toy.'

I'm exhausted and for no valid reason whatsoever. In that vein, I give you Liam Lynch.



Wrapped up season five of the West Wing last night; Donna went and got herself blown up and Josh totally flew over to Germany for her but she was like, smooching on the photojournalist douche, oh, the humanity! It actually wasn't an eighth as good as past season finales...save season 3? 4? when they had some uber-dramatic bile-rising wankfest over whether Bartlet would run again due to his MS controversy...I know I'm the only one of the five people who read this who watches this show but by god, I've got nothing today.

It's a metaphor for life, Leo. It's famous. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

Balls. What the hell was up with that two-parter on Disc 2 of Dr. Who. Positively embarrassing. The last episode, Dalek was soooooo much better. Thank god, would have been a struggle to rent the next disc...

I got the stupidest sprinkler from Home Depot tonight. I wish I could explain it but I can't even figure it out. That piece of shit is so on its way back.

And then I even stopped next door at The Unspeakable Pit of Hell because I heard they stock Wasabi Funyuns. They don't. At least not that location. Shudder. I left immediately. So dirty. *shudders some more, pretends it didn't happen*

I got my new shift at the cookie factory...we alternate shifts throughout the year and it's sort of the arrangement where the newest kittens get screwed. Having been there for a mousefart longer than others, I got a not-so-shabby shift this time...instead of going in at 11 (which might be ok if I had the discipline to get up in the early AM and get shit done...) I now go in at 730am in the christing morning. Since I have hardcore Fort Worth traffic (which I'm learning is strangely scarier than Dallas traffic), this is good, it just may miss it. And now my days off are Thurs/Fri, which is a wee fuckload better than the Tues/Wed it was. Ouch.

D is closing all this week and most of next which is frustrating. How the hell are we supposed to watch Pan's Labyrinth when he's working late? And *tons* of gratitude over to Mob for the forewarning on the mega-Heroes-marathon. I think I actually heard TiVo whimper as I programmed it. We just cleared out a fair shitload of the Desperate Housewives and now we're loading it up again big time. Saw the first few 'sodes of Heroes back when it first aired but I was negative and well, just kinda meh on it. Tried to focus on the Studio 60 and well, we all know what happened to that show...



Eh, not that sad to see it go, hasn't been on in ages anyway. I blame Harriet Hayes, the most irritating bitch of all time. Possibly more irritating than Teri Hatcher, whom I just loathe. (I think I've mentioned before--I don't even know if it's her DH character or just her. Ok, it's her character but it's her FACE, too. I just want to smush her troll-like face as if it were Play-Doh, except it looks like someone already has). Harriet...well, I just can't follow the worship factor they so desperately try to lather her up with. No bitch that annoying is worth it, and she's reeeeeeally annoying. Seriously, if you gave me a gun and one bullet, I'd totally have to have a sit down and really think about it.

Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!

Recently watched the double disc of El Mariachi and Desperado, in light of the Robert Rodriguez marathon over at Cinemaslave. It had been ages since I'd seen Mariachi; obviously it holds up quite well. I watched both with commentary, which was hysterical. The commentary was definitely best on the first film, it was great to hear about how nearly every creative decision made on that film basically stemmed from being financially strapped. Listening to him is more than enough to get just about anyone in the mood to make a movie (assuming one had equipment or time...)

Desperado I still like but not only is it not quite as inspired as the first but it kinda drags a bit around the ending. Has some really great scenes and perhaps one of the best soundtracks of all time. And as always, great dialogue. I want to say his films are always at least worth a watch, but I recall hating every minute of Once Upon a Time in Mexico, not being too thrilled with The Faculty and I've only seen the first of the Spy Kids franchise (hey, I was living in Austin at the time, it would have been blasphemy not to...and it wasn't bad, actually...) But anyhoo, not making plans to see the others anytime soon.



But I still enjoy From Dusk Til Dawn, despite popular opinion being what it is.

The acid test is whether you take any pleasure in responding to the question "What do you do?" I can't bear it.

Mob, I have not abandoned the restaurant tag. I'm simply stewing on it. Got one or two to ponder.

To give you some idea, as I asked Cinema Mark via email this evening, "Do you know how hard it is to navigate from the kitchen to the computer room with a very full margarita and Erasure playing on LP?" We were listening to Erasure, but by the time D got home (which indicates that I really should write "I," but then the incrimation factor raises exponentially), it was Art Garfunkel (the LP with "Bright Eyes," I totally fucking admit it) and now Herman's Hermits, which covers a very large range of things we've all heard before...

And now the enchiladas are almost done! Time for more of the second disc of Dr. Who; the first of this two-parter was a bit on the lame side, but it has potential to be sure...

No margaritas were harmed in the making of this episode.

Excuse me, would you mind not farting while I'm saving the world?

I've been very lazy, apparently.

Although today I did pull a shitload of weeds, including a ground-covering thing that's trying to win out over the jasmine.

We finally used a Pier 1 gift card we'd received at the wedding...Pier 1 is just nowhere near as cool as it used to be. We got three more citronella torches for the backyard and two ridiculously large martini-style glasses with knobby stems. I plan on making obnoxious frozen [alcoholic] beverages for Drew's visit and these glasses were calling my name.

Previous to buying them we stopped at Razzoo's for lunch, which is a chainy Cajun place. We got two appetizers for lunch: Rat Toes (jalapenos stuffed with crab and shrimp) and Gator Tail. (This is the same place Kiwi Derek and I visited a few days before the wedding when I was at my most stressed; we ordered two of the largest drinks they had (Kiwi D was, after all, in search of Texan/American super-sized staples) and this was also his very first encounter with Everclear. I felt like I was introducing someone to Drain-O.)

Then we hit Movie Trading Company to get rid of most of the rest of our VHS. I'm still clinging to Metropolitan and Jeffrey; they may finally be out on DVD but until they're in my hands I'm not selling. Otherwise they'll obviously go the route of Twin Peaks: Season One and just go out of print. D said going was probably not a good idea because we were trying to find a DVD for the trade and he assumed I would pick out stuff he may have bought me for my birthday. I tried really hard to suggest films I didn't think he would have picked but apparently I picked all the ones he did, so when we got home he just let me open all my DVDs. Hee hee. We finally own both Terminators (don't tell anyone how long this took, or that neither of us brought them to the marriage to begin with), the special edition of Parenthood, seems to have lots of extras, Groundhog Day (not seen in years but really damn cute), Men In Black (shhhhhhh), and *finally*, Re-Animator. Can you believe D, the horror movie man, has not seen Re-Animator?

Oh, and D also had to intervene as I was trying to reserve my Harry Potter the other day and presented me with a gift card for the price and a note that it has already been reserved. It's so weird how it comes out on July 21, a Saturday. I thought books usually came out on Tuesday? It will be hard to get Saturday off but that book will need some immediate attention, I'm afraid. So excited...

And right now, D is water-proofing our new picnic table. Then it needs to get assembled and voila! Beer can be consumed outside! Emily and Gene (the new boyfriend, not the ex she attended the wedding with, for those of you that were there, if you even recall) are coming up next weekend so I have to come up with something savory to grill. It will be the first time for me to meet Gene so I'm very curious.

At least I'm thinking of words and roots of words and sometimes in Latin.

Thanks so much to Alex for this fantastic link to Locher's: sweet and dirty shirts for women. The above is easily my favorite. (And obviously my gorgeous nieces are the exception. In fact I need another fix here pretty soon...) Now if only these shirts were a little more in my price range...and I would SO wear these to work knowing full well no one would ever in a million years actually read the embroidery. (I'd bring a sweater just in case the big wigs came that day, which they so would).

I got to feel only mildly stupid today when we made the electrician come back out because the lights in the kitchen weren't working again. However, this time it was the bulbs. Having grown up with (stupid) flourescent lighting in the bathroom, I'm quite used to how they act when they are about to go out. These weren't doing that. Luckily he didn't charge me. There is still a chance it's the ballast, not the bulb. And there's even less of a chance I know what a ballast is or what to do with it or if I'm even using the right word, let alone spelling it correctly but either way, it's not covered. Let's hope it's not the ballast.

But that's ok, because then I turned around and went to the grocery store, where they don't have flourescent bulbs. So I remembered I need lipstick and wandered into that aisle. I have a certain type of lipstick I like because it actually stays on. I don't wear makeup but do feel the need to occasionally wear lipstick so people can tell where my face stops and my mouth starts (I'm a little pale). I can't seem to wear lipstick for more than five minutes, I really don't know, it just goes away. So this stuff stays on--you could eat everything off the menu at Jack In the Box and Taco Bell and that shit would stay on. I don't care what carcinogenic chemicals or mouse scrotums have gone into it because by god, I don't have to apply it eight times a day.

The funny thing is that none of their colors really suit me, but I'm still trying. And while staring at their rainbow of inhuman colors, a sixteen year old male employee wandered over and said, "Uh, like, I work here, but do you know where this might go?" and he showed me some sort of Max Factor foundation. I laughed, as surely that was a little embarrassing for him, though probably not as embrassing as my having to admit that I probably found myself in the makeup aisle as often as he. The territory is about as familiar to me as the automotive aisle. At least I know what kind of oil my car takes. I think.

However, if retail has taught me anything, (thank you, Express), it's how to look at nearly-identical pieces of crap merchandise and spot the minute differences, thereby being able to stock it properly. Clothes, makeup, same shit. And sure enough I found it. Don't feel intimidated, I was the stock room manager at Express. Yeah, I know, pretty cool. (Wow, all that time spent trying to translate fucking Julius Caesar and Cicero and all this time I should have been focusing on my kindergarten skills).

And because my weird lipsticks were buy one get one free I have two to experiment with. The one I'm wearing now is called cabernet satin (don't get me started on the lipstick names), but judging by how it looks on ME and NOT on the box, I think Barbie Gets Date Raped might have been a more suitable choice.

Oh, and I have red hair now but no one has noticed. Not even a chick at work I trained with! I'll grant you it's not outrageous but it's fairly drastic if you saw me every day. I'm letting D slide, as our schedules have been opposite and I've either been in bed or it's been on the dark side in the house when we're both here. He's pretty decent about that sort of thing, especially for a boy. (Not so much noticing the kitchen sink going from scummy to pristine, but I'll take it where I can get it).

Oh, I want to take Mr. Biggles with me.

I can't, I can't...just make it stop. Please someone, make it stop.



Off imdb: Paris Hilton is calling on her fans to help her stay out of jail - by endorsing an online petition they can sign. The desperate socialite, who was sentenced to serve 45 days in jail last week after violating terms of her 2006 drink-driving arrest, has teamed up with a pal called Joshua to urge fans to help her. In a post on her MySpace blog, Hilton, who is also asking California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon her, writes, "My friend Joshua started this petition. Please help and sign it. I love you all!" The petition, which is addressed to Schwarzenegger, claims "the American public who support Paris are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that drunk driving is wrong. She provides hope for young people all over the US and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives. If the late former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well." Hilton is due to start serving time by June 5 if her appeal fails, after being sentenced at a hearing at Los Angeles Superior Court on Friday.

What. The. Fuck.

I'll be chilling some champagne on June 5th.

And I include this photo because it made me think of her South Park Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset episode and it made me laugh.

Gunga Din is not a swatch kind of movie.

Feeling very lucky today...I called the home warranty people to schedule an electrician yesterday with the understanding they'd call back before the end of the day today. I'm off today and D is off all weekend (but do these people come out on the weekend? Plus he'll be doing family things...more on that in a moment), and we were hoping to maybe pop out to Chicago next week for two days to see Emily and Gene (the former is one of my best friends, seen as Emily the Strange, the maid of honor, at my wedding). The electrician calls this morning and says he can be out around 4:30pm! He must be a bad electrician, these services never come out the same day...

One of the sockets in the kitchen *and* the master bedroom are now completely shot. And maybe the garage light can finally get fixed. (The previous electrician greased his way out of that one, saying it wasn't his area). Will be so nice to cook by overhead light instead of the fish lamp.



As I was blathering on about yesterday, finally finished this one. Not sure if I should recommend it. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't anything special or great. Pretty straightforward stuff and if you've seen the preview you know the major points. What I really did like, though, was that regardless of having seen the preview, it still had a lot to offer. It had a fantastic pace; there's nothing slow about it. It gets a move on and the unhappy couple is surrounded by cholera in China before you blink. If you think you'd like it, you probably would. If romantic dramas make you roll your eyes and want to stab yourself then yes, you probably don't need to see it. Naomi Watts was decent, though Edward Norton was superb as always. The characters and the tensions were interesting to watch but damn. This movie was just beautifully shot. Gorgeous. (Nor was the scenery one to be outdone).



Arriving in the mail today should be the double-feature of Night/Curse of the Demon; the original is British, the other is the edited American version. Might just watch the British one, we'll see. And also Fur.



Uh, I don't think this is supposed to be very good. I'm a bit of a Nicole whore, and this didn't use to mean I was in for hit-or-miss. She used to be in some good stuff or at least offer a compelling performance worth my time. She's been slumming it recently, however, and I'm patiently waiting...

But mostly today I get to put laundry away and tidy the house. D's brother is coming in this weekend because years and years ago (D does not recall a bit of this, but he's going with it) their mother said that one year all she wanted for Mother's Day was to be taken to church by her two boys. Ok, so we're already off in a land completely foreign to me. In my family, not only do we not go to church (oops, I almost capitalized that), we don't celebrate Mother's Day. I was raised with the idea that commercial holidays are shit (except the fun ones like Christmas and Halloween of course, sheesh, and that does not include Valentine's Day because that is the worst of all). So we celebrate days like Michaelmas, on September 29th, which is really a festival/harvest day in England (I think), but mostly it was an excuse to get a present. So, yes, different families.

So my brother-in-law will be staying with us Friday night (and then staying with their parents the next night, so I only have to watch myself for one night, yeah!); he gets in around the same time I get off work, so I think we'll be eating out. He is quite a nice person, but "dry" is putting it mildly. He's a little bit like their mother in that I'm afraid to mention taboo topics (and this includes politics, books, oh, a lot of things, really), but then one of them will make a vaguely off-color joke just to throw me off base! I will never venture into the gray area, myself, as with my luck I would pick a completely inappropriate topic.

And I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I tolerate it most days but every once in a while it gets to me. That's it, off to seek aid in the form of wine now!

I thought you killed yourself. That wasn't you?

That's perfect...the internet has been off all day and now that it's back on again, there is a very nice thunderstorm brewing. So I've been forced to watch TV nearly all day, with the cat strewn across my lap.

Saw the first disc of Dr. Who which is a lot of fun and should be really easy to get into (the new series, with Christopher Eccelston as the Doctor).



Also watched The Painted Veil, which, while very decent, is nowhere near as steamy as I was hoping. Not quite finished with it...



What's great is that when I searched for the image, it also brought up a picture of Music and Lyrics; yeah, I mix these two up all the time.

Ok, time to shut down the computer before the storm knocks it out for me...

Didja ever look at a dollar bill, man? There's some spooky shit goin' on there. And it's green too.

My marriage: explained...

While watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force while the grill outside pre-heated, I commented to D that if he was an ATHF, he'd be Meatwad. (Meatwad said something cute, ok, I wasn't being a bitch).

Apparently, my better half informs me I'd be Frylock.

As long, we decided, as neither of us was Master Shake, we're probably ok. I tend to think I'm 50% Frylock and 50% Shake, but we don't need to let D in on that one...

I'd tell you to blow it out your ass, but my dick's in the way.

I think it's time to revisit this. What a great movie. Good thing I own it...

l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.

We saw Spiderman 3 last night.



Overall, it was better than I expected. Oodles of bad dialogue, the middle was quite odd, and the last five to ten minutes were actually kind of awful. Having said that, it was still more than entertaining. Admittedly, I snuck wine in to accompany the screening (we were at Studio Movie Grill, so it's not completely off the wall, I still ordered queso, of course) and to aid in my viewing pleasure. I think I actually recall the moment at which the movie became a tad more enjoyable...around this time it was a rather dull sentimental scene and I nearly leaned over to D to whisper that Spidey and I have the same birthday, cause you know, we do. Luckily, common sense reigned supreme and I kept my thoughts to myself.

D, a far bigger Spidey fan than I, enjoyed it very much. #2 is still his favorite but he thinks #3 may be better than #1. I have a hard time knocking the original.

As you can tell by the image, I thought Topher Grace was quite delightful. (*cough*, easy on the eyes, *cough*). Sadly, he was in it for about three minutes. People complain the stories are convoluted and that it's just too much, too complicated, etc. Ok, these are the same people who thought Mission: Impossible was difficult to follow. I admit Venom didn't get a decent amount of screen time, but I hardly found the film too complex.

I think I would watch That 70s Show just for Grace if...ugh...I don't want to write his name in here...you know, that fuckwit moron who also stars in it...if I didn't have to watch him as well. I'd want to throw Cheetohs at the screen and my TV is too nice for that.

On the flip side from Cheetohs, remember those farm-raised clams I bought from Central Market? Hmmmph I say. The smaller ones were far tastier. These barely opened. And that evening's wine, a California Sauvignon Blanc from Rock Rabbit Winery (yes, purchased strictly for the name), also gets a hmmprh. In the interest of rating it Triana-style, that wine was a Jennifer Aniston.




Totally bland on its own, but acceptable in support. The wine had such a promising smell, all bright and peachy, then when sipped, just sort of went nowhere. So...kind of disappointing, too, not unlike Ms. Aniston. Not something to be sought out, but I'm willing to accept it. (Just as JA is quite acceptable in She's the One and in Friends With Money, one might even argue a slightly different role). And don't give me shit for knocking her, at least I found a really cute photo.

The best part of the dinner was easily the cheese. Beemster cheese with mustard seeds. Ah, heaven. There's even some left over, which is where I'm off to now.

Too many notes.

I don't like being off Tues/Wed. It blows to come back on Thursday when most people are salivating at the thought of Friday. The chick who wanted my days off doesn't want them anymore because she traded with someone who had *Sunday* off. Shah. Fine, didn't want your stupid days off anymore anyway. The people with the best sense of humor seem to be off Thurs/Fri, making those days take just a *little* bit longer to go by.

They let other people who are brand new to the cookie factory watch me make cookies, which I find vaguely alarming. I barely know what I'm doing for Christ's sake. I got to watch a supervisor do their little cookie duties (I was just supposed to watch him make "general" cookies and I said fuck you, make complex "supervisor-type" cookies and I'm afraid my wanting to be entertained may have been mistaken as enthusiam for being promoted. I'm not sure where I sit on this pony ride: more money is nice but do I really want to deal with more assholes than necessary?), but in any case it was mostly just a glimpse into the dark side.

Anyhoo. On far more relevant news, moved onto the second Potter. Jesus I hate fucking Dobby. Those goddamn elves are totally the Jar Jar of the Potter series.

And yes, we have survived the recent downpours. I got to see what the backyard looks like flooded. I planted seeds last week, but I presume I'll still be seeing sunflowers in the middle of the yard and cilantro at the opposite end from where I originally planted it. Fun: weed or herb?

Well, I saw everyone else lining up, so, uh - I thought you were selling drugs.

(Ok, so this is the supersweet NYC store, rather than either of the ones in my area. I can't help it if my town is ugly).

Hee hee! I have a new microphone and it works. These two things do not always go together, especially since I have a Mac and I have learned that nothing terrifies people in the electronic store more than the words, "I have a Mac." In the interest of time and sanity, I even checked with the Apple store people, hey, any external mic will do, yes? Even though on the *forums,* they say NO, this input port is for anything but a mic. People at the Apple store say yes, any mic will do.

Strangely, I think I believe the people on the forum, as I expect they have more experience with a Mac than peon #7 at the store. So I took my piece of shit mic back to Circuit City and went to Radio Shack to get a USB mic, which was what I was trying to avoid in the first place since my USB ports are all full and I don't want to buy a hub. So in the end, I cannot update my ipod and talk on the mic at the same time. I hope I will live.

To ensure I was not crazy, however, I actually took my piece of shit mic to the Apple store so I would know it wasn't my Mac. (I was planning on just buying one there if need be). My choices: the Apple store in Dallas or the Apple store in Southlake. They are both 40 minutes from my house and because I do not possess the ability to learn from my mistakes I though, "Hey, Southlake! That will be more adventurous; I have not been there in years." Now shockingly, I did not get lost, always neat. This may be because I infact used to work in Southlake *years* ago and the Apple store, to my mixture of delight and chagrin, is now a block away from the place I used to work. This would be, sigh, Starbucks. It was the first thing built in something called The Town Center. But let's not dwell on my time there, let me instead paint Southlake and the Town Center for you...




(Not in myyyyyyy day!)

Southlake is best described in only one way. New money. Lots of it. I do not like it. Dallas may be full of old money and ugliness, but there is something particularly nasty about the taupe & mauve taste that all of Southlake possesses. The Town Center, when I started working there, was brand new. I was one of the staff that opened that Starbucks, it was that spanking new. Nearby was a Corner Bakery (shudder) and a Rockfish. And lots of open space. Now? Now Town Center is so shockingly different I wasn't sure I used to work there. Let's pretend TC is a boy. In college you dated and he tried so hard to be hip; he was so awkward and new but hey, he had a great personality so you dated for six (tame) months. Now, you've just run into TC at the store nine years later. He has the tightest body, an English accent, speaks German and Chinese and can infact make a perfect souffle. TC is so out of your league you just want to yell that you were there first. But no one would care because I'm just so out of my league I shouldn't be there. Wait, I mean you. You shouldn't be there. Ahem.

There's a goddamn *Apple Store* a block away from my old job. The newest Central Market is across the street. (Ok, so that was part of my reason for going). It's Wednesday and I almost couldn't park anywhere! And stepping into the Apple Store itself did little for my self-esteem. Everything was so pretty and pristine...I refrained from asking if they had a sterling silver phone dialer I might purchase.

And while the Apple Man was nice and even hooked up my POS mic to a mini and confirmed that yup, that doesn't work, it doesn't really confirm my suspicions that while it may be a sucky mic, that goddamn port is not for mics at all. I said hey whatever, sell me a mic. "Well, we don't really support the mini here, [we only support the neeeeew and exciiiiiting Macs here]" (so maybe I just inferred that on my own) and he kinda showed me an adapter for my ipod that I could use for a mic (which would be cool in a Nate & Di sort of way, but not really what I was looking for). So I left and yes, hit my Starbucks on the way out.

As it was nearly ten years ago, I was happy to discover my entering the store did not cause a wave of ominous familiarity. It could have been any Starbucks. There was the tiniest hint of doom, as if you walked into a random store and thought, hmmm, that's odd, I think I had a nightmare here once. But I got my Americano and promptly left.

Then it was off to Central Market (*drools*), where a less-than-delightful seafood man sold me my farm-raised clams and then at check-out, some total cunt blatantly walked in front of me and parked her ass. It was the express area and luckily the stand nearest me opened up first so they took me. But jesus! I hope while we were in line, someone was throwing up their mocha on her white Lexus.

The CM in downtown Dallas is by far my favorite. The meat and seafood people are gregarious and friendly and the whole store seems to love working there. In Southlake, that is just so not the "done thing." On the plus side, I picked up a Malbec Mendoza from Argentina, one of my favorite wines. I'm trying to stock up for Drew's visit in June (let's see if that one makes it)... I also got something called purple potatoes (really, they're purple!) to make with the steamed clams tonight.

And I still have not had lunch.

You got me hotter than Georgia asphalt.

David Lynch's Rat Meat Bird.

I recall him discussing the roast beef, leaving it in the yard to rot and for life (maggots) to grow in it (I think a squirrel stole a chunk at one point?) before cementing it into the artwork itself. I think the dead mouse came from the mother-in-law's house? I don't recall. You DO see the dead mouse, don't you?

More importantly, where would I hang it in my house?